Watch this spot for a new story every week or so. They're weird, they're hilarious, they're crazy...and most 'em are true (or so we understand)! There's no way we could make this stuff up!
Your Captain cheerfully accepts all of the credit and none of the blame for anything that may appear here. (Besides, we thought it might be a good idea to provide a distraction to keep you from noticing that Your Captain is totally lost and has been circling over the same cow for the last half-hour.)
And while you're here, be sure to check out Night Flight,
Ashley's Hot Tips for Cool Pilots, Dudley's Goofy Guide to Aviation Terminology, and The Darwin Awards.
I Need Some Tobasco...NOW!!
In Canada, a man arrested for drunk driving tried to beat the breathalyzer test by ripping out a large piece from the center of his undershorts and trying to eat it, in the hope that the cotton would absorb some of the alcohol in his stomach.
The judge was not amused.
A "Current" Event
In South Carolina, death row inmate Michael Anderson Godwin thought his luck had changed after his sentence was changed from death to life imprisonment. As he sat on the metal toilet seat in his cell, "fixing" his plugged-in TV set, for some unknown reason he bit into the wire and was instantly electrocuted.
If at First You Don't Succeed...
A man tried to commit suicide by jumping from a fourth-floor window to the street below. His aim was slightly off and he landed on the roof of a car, which broke his fall, leaving him uninjured. He promptly ran back up to the same window and jumped again.
Same car. Same roof. Same result. By this time, police had arrived and they hauled him off for psychiatric treatment.
What's in a Name?
Terrence Adams accidentally hanged himself when his sweater tangled around his neck as he tried to break into a clothing boutique.
The 55-year-old Brooklyn burglar was attempting to enter the shop from the roof by bending back bars on the window. When he jumped into the store, his sweater caught on the twisted metal and strangled him. He was found dead at the scene on Saturday morning.
In honor of his misadventure, residents of the Flatbush neighborhood have suggested that the Dum Dum Boutique be re-named the Dumb Dumb Boutique.
...And I Can Prove It!
A man walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in the bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch behind the counter on the shelf and decided that he wanted that, too. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused, saying, "…because I don't believe you're over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was, in fact, over 21 and put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave them the name and address of the robber, which he got off the license. They arrested the idiot crook two hours later.
Just When You Need a Good Getaway Car...
A man was arrested recently in Providence, R.I. after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.
Copies 'R' Us
After a Swedish business consultant labored thirteen years on a book about Swedish economic solutions, he took his 250-page manuscript to be copied. His manuscript was reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in only a few seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
Should've Stayed Gone...
A few days after breaking out of jail in Washington DC, a convict accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him during lunch, but not knowing he was out of the building, she had him paged. When they heard his name come over the PA system, police officers recognized his name. They arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen during the lunch hour.
One Idiot, Too Many Beers
An intoxicated robber tried to hold up two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan. When they refused to hand him the cash, the man threatened to call the police. When they refused again, the robber followed through with his threat and called the police, who promptly arrested him.
Advice for Idiots from Idiots
This is an actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health, & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
It Always Helps to Have an Alibi
The Belgium news agency, Belga, reported that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it because he, "was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
The Product of a Public School Education
This conversation between a computer tech support specialist and a caller show why tech support jobs will be around for a long time to come.
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Caller: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Caller: "How do I know when it's ready?"
Monkey See, Monkey Do, But This Is Ridiculous!
In Amman, Jordan, a man accidentally dropped his car keys into a well and then drowned when he jumped into the well to try to retrieve them. Realizing the man was in trouble, a companion also jumped to try to save him. The would-be Good Samaritan drowned, too. A third, fourth, and fifth man jumped into the well to try to save the others. They all drowned, too!
After all five men had tragically drowned in the accident, a sixth man finally survived after jumping in to save the other five. Probably because he had something to stand on...
Blew That One, Didn't We?
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
Can the Ambulance-chasers Be Far Behind?
In St. Louis, a bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
And If We Hook Up the Batteries...
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message, "He's lying!" was placed in the copier and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Back to the Drawing Board...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers who, only a minute later, witnessed them both being eaten by a large killer whale.
Apparently, the Answer Is "Yes!"
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills. Can anyone really be that stupid?!
And If You Park Illegally...!
The Chico, California, city council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
He Who Acts as His Own Attorney Has a Fool for a Client
Choosing to defend himself in court on charges of rape, Antonio Lozano turned down a plea bargain of 20 years. He then proceeded to tell the predominantly female jury and Judge Sharon McRae that, "It's a man's world and I can do what I want."
Lozano went on to justify his actions by saying, "Men rule and women drool." The jury gave him 45 years.
Ever Have One of Those Days?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife
was in the house, in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the
motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio
door and, along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the
house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle
lying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the
phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported her
husband to the hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gasoline had spilled on the floor, she blotted up the gasoline with some paper towels and then threw the towels into the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital then released to
go home. Arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. Despondent over the damage, went into
the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and lit a cigarette. Before standing up, he flipped the still-lit cigarette butt between his legs into the toilet bowl.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion, followed by her
husband's screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was
suffering from burns on his buttocks, the backs of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same
ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the door. The
paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the ambulance.
As the paramedics carried him down the front steps to the street, accompanied
by the wife, one of them asked the woman how her husband had
burned himself. When she told them, the paramedics started laughing so hard that one
of them tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband off.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
But I Didn't Have a Towel!
When Raymond Lutz of Great Falls, Montana was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he thought he had a pretty good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that he had just gotten done washing his truck and "was trying to dry it off."
Bettr Lukk Nex Tyme...
"This is a robb. Plouas put outut teller. No one will git hurt. Thank."
This was how the note read that a would-be robber handed to a teller at the Washington Mutual Bank. When she still couldn't decipher his gibberish after reading it several times, the would-be bandit gave up and fled.
...But She Had Her 15 Minutes of Fame!
In Florida, a woman was recently arrested for severely vandalizing her former boyfriend’s property, but the police were having a hard time proving that she was the guilty party. Thanks to her own stupidity, the police now have a solid case.
It seems that this woman got herself onto one of these silly nationwide daytime TV talk shows that feature topics only morons can fully appreciate. During the show, whose topic was, "I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me!" she described in detail how she had punctured the tires on her boyfriend’s car, had slashed his waterbed, and had done all sorts of other damage in a fit of jealousy.
Someone gave a tape of the show to the police, who consider it a de facto confession…she now faces up to five years in prison.
Gribbet...
From the Arkansas Democrat & Gazette, Thursday, July 25, 1996:
TWO LOCAL MEN INJURED IN FREAK ACCIDENT
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.
The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol would fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. When the bullet was inserted, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men continued eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After they had traveled approximately 20 miles and just before they crossed the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead," stated Wallis.
Said Deputy Snyder, "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened!"
Upon being notified of the wreck Poole's wife, Lavinia, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and whether anyone gotten them from the truck.
Splish, Splash...
A man identified only as a Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7-story riverside parking garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water was.
Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet.
Hey, Y'all, Watch This!
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced
moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as
part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor
children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which
was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute
and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass
trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Jerry Corbitt!
A Julia Child Reject
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
...And Would You Like Fries With That?
A customer ordered a taco at a local Taco Bell and asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Bozo of the Week
Howard Farmer, who allegedly robbed the Pulaski County, Arkansas bank, was caught minutes later fueling his getaway car at a nearby gas station.
Poor Marksmanship
A Detroit man committed suicide with an AK-47 and took his friend with him. When Elrod J. Hill fired the semi-automatic rifle into the right side of his head, the bullet came out the left side and killed his friend, Brian Olesky, who was sitting next to him on the couch.
...And Buy Her a Compass, Too!
Rescue workers in Delafield, Wisconsin may send Kelli Elias a $2,500.00 bill for their most recent effort. Ms. Elias got lost in the woods, officials claim, for "the seventh time in a week."
How Come They Won't Do That for Me When I Ask?
An indigent man walked into a bank in Lansing, Michigan, and asked a teller for 50 cents. The teller didn't understand the soft-spoken bum and thought she was being robbed, so she handed over the cash in her drawer - about $1300. The man took the money gratefully and walked out of the bank. It took police almost a week to find him.
He wasn't charged with anything because, according to a police spokesman, "He didn't do anything illegal. He went into the bank, asked for money, and they gave it to him."
The Phonics Game
A district court in southern Sweden fined Elizabeth Hallin $680 for naming her 5-year-old son "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116." The name, says Ms. Hallin, is pronounced "Albin..."
What Could Possibly Give You That Impression?!
Admitting that his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus; he led the second off the end of a pier. He then nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express and walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed.
The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - the trainers say that the dog "might sense nervousness and do something silly..."
"Not Breathing" Has to Be Somewhere Near the Top of the List
A Mount Clemens, Michigan man bet his friends that he could stay underwater and hold his breath longer than any of them. He won.
Police said the man was under water for five minutes before his friends realized he wasn't playing around. Authorities said an autopsy will determine the exact cause of death...
Sometimes You Just Have to Take What You Can Get...
Timothy Crockett got so mad at the First Federal Bank in Spartanburg, South Carolina for charging him almost $600 in overdraft fees that he decided to pull a bank robbery to get even. Asked why he robbed the Palmetto Bank rather than First Federal, Crockett told the judge it was because "First Federal wasn't open on Saturdays."
Due to Inbreeding, Perhaps?
After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment, which was lined entirely with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out "moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..."
Just Shut Up and Watch the Movie...
You've probably seen this message that comes on the screen before the movie begins: "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." When he brought the movie he had rented back to Blockbuster, some rocket scientist asked, "How do they know what size screen I have?"
...And Pumps to Match
Authorities are on the lookout for a man suspected of robbing the Wachovia Bank. The FBI says the suspect is a male, wearing a white turtleneck and a beige skirt.
But He Has a Very Good Excuse...
Police in Magdeburg, Germany say a mummified man discovered sitting in front of his television has been dead for four years. The man had not been seen by anyone since 1994, said a spokesman, and rent on the house had not been paid since 1993.
Disco Lives!
Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County Sheriff's Office on a complaint of police brutality. However, witnesses tell a different story. They say the girls—a 16-year-old and 15-year-old twins—ganged up on Deputy Eric Caldwell and "beat him with their platform shoes..."
Honey, I'm Starved...Let's Eat Out Tonight!
It's now legal in West Virginia to hunt with your car. The legislature has passed a law making it legal for motorists in that state to eat almost anything they hit while driving. If drivers "can be encouraged to eat their own road kill," say proponents of the new law, the state will save money on carcass removal.
Idiots and Computers
This one involves a gentleman who works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Gene Pool...
Darwin Coates of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a .22 caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson, took the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again...
A "New Math" Graduate?
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
The Village Idiot
In a semi-rural area, a new neighbor called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on the road next to his house. The reason? Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
18 Kinds of Stupid
Forty-five-year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car she had brought for an oil change. According to police reports, Brasher said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
...And How About Trimming the Bushes While You're at It?
Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for attempting to rob a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.
Some Days...
Flora Sanchez wound up in the hospital despite her efforts to be careful at the train crossing near her home in Mexico City. As she attempted to cross, the girl carefully looked both ways…and was hit on the head by a large metal sign warning "Beware of Trains"...
A Relative of Frank and Louie?
Alert police officers in Florida thought something didn't look right when they saw a car driving erratically down U.S. 19...with a three-and-a-half-foot orange and green lizard at the wheel. The Tampa Tribune reported that the officers followed the car for "a couple of miles" before they pulled it over, only to find owner John Ruppell slouched down in the seat. According to police official Larry Sams, the iguana was a "pretty good driver". The lizard, named Finley, was taken into custody and delivered to the SPCA and Mr. Ruppel was arrested on a drunk-driving charge.
They Just Can't Keep Customers!
A man in Georgia was charged with killing his daughter and cutting her body into seven pieces with a chain saw after she ran up over $20,000 in phone bills to psychic hotlines.
"...Don't Think I'll Try That Again!"
Nigel Wesson, a newcomer to the circus business in Heythrop, England, "departed from the normal procedure" of feeding a 500 lb. Bengal tiger with a long stick. The tiger chewed his hand off and ate it. When hospital workers asked if he had any allergies, Wesson replied, "Only tigers..."
A Kilt? Yeah, Right!
Police in Valdosta arrested trucker James Richardson for "romping naked through the woods" behind a Georgia Welcome Center. Richardson was trying to put on a skirt when deputies found him.
He Must've Walked Under a Ladder
A tourist in Italy named Joe Peterson broke an arm and both legs when he fell over a cliff while trying to pick a lucky four-leaf clover.
Back to the Drawing Board
An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window this week, but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing that she was still alive, the man jumped out and tried to land on top of her to finish the job.
He missed.
Guess They Didn't Read Their Own Book...
Citadel Press recently came out with a paperback edition of the book, "How to Be Brief," which has now also been retitled as, "How to Express Yourself Clearly and Briefly."
Probably Written in Crayon!
David Manns held up a bank in Tucson, Arizona, with a note written on the back of his own pay stub.
If You Give Up Your Right to Remain Stupid...
A Massachusetts man was arrested for driving without a license. At the police station, he used his one phone call to tell a friend exactly where to find his stash of crack cocaine, which was hidden in an alley. Hipolito Vega spoke to his friend in Spanish, not realizing that the arresting officer, Manuel Rivera, understood every word he said.
I'll Just Go Next Door and Get an Egg McMuffin...
From the Ann Arbor News crime column: a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at around 8:00 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded all the cash. The clerk refused by saying that he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk told him they weren't available for breakfast. The man gave up in frustration and walked away.
You Have the Right to Remain Stupid...
In Kentucky, two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. However, instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Afraid that all the racket would bring the police, complete with lights and sirens, they jumped back in their truck and sped off, heading for home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their license plate still attached to the bumper.
Maybe I Should Have Tried Plan B...
In Mortar, Italy, a dog shot and killed its master. Stefan Matrelli was out hunting when his dog fell into a ditch. When the hunter held out his rifle to help the dog up, the dog reached out with a paw and pulled the trigger...
Well, at Least He Said "Thank You!"
Police say Ronnie Bell intended to rob the Dallas Federal Reserve Bank. How do they know? It was all there in his note.
"This is a bank robbery of the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, Texas," it read. "Give me all the money. Thank you, Ronnie Darnell Bell."
Next Time, Try a Crowbar!
From the San Jose Mercury News...
An unidentified man, holding a shotgun by the barrel and using it like a club to break a
former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged
and blew a hole in his stomach.
Finger-lickin'Good!
A man was fined $250 after pleading guilty to the charge of misleading a police officer. The prosecution in the case revealed that the man had deep-fried his pet gerbil and then pretended to find it in a box of fried chicken he bought at a local take-out restaurant...
Should've Aimed for the Head!
Dennis Dixon, Jr. of Wisconsin reached for his cigarette lighter but mistakenly pulled out his .25 caliber semi-automatic instead. He managed to shoot himself through the hand, and a friend in the thigh...
That's Not What I Meant!
The woman in question, a very cute blonde as it happened, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, ma'am, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled as he began to realize what he'd said. Closing his book, he walked back to his motorcycle, got on, and left without another word.
After several minutes, she finally stopped laughing long enough to start her car and leave.
Sometimes It Helps to Have a Plan
Inmate Ronald Eroh was so sure of himself that he left Auburn Hills, Michigan jail deputies a note: "By the time you read this, I'll be halfway to Europe." Police caught up with him three miles from the jail...
Zzzzzzzzz!
The New York Times reports that dozens of rural Americans are killed each year after they drink too much, lie down in the middle of the highway, and get run over...
Turnabout is Fair Play
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture...of handcuffs.
They Said This Plan Was Foolproof...and They Meant You!
Unknown thieves in Belleview, Florida backed a truck through the glass storefront of a Walgreens drug store, tied a chain around the automated teller machine loaded with cash, and dragged it loose. Police said the robbers got away with nothing, because they couldn't lift the ATM into the truck.
Taste Tests Were Also Inconclusive...
Christmas holiday travelers at Britain's Manchester airport were delayed when security scanners alarms were repeatedly set off by Christmas puddings packed in luggage. The $23 million dollar security system could not distinguish between pudding and Semtex, the plastic explosive favored by international terrorists.
Real Men Don't...
A man in California recently visited the home of a friend who happened to be a snake collector. While he was there, he stuck his hand into a cage containing a cobra and was bitten. Despite protests from his friend, the man refused to go to the hospital for medical help, declaring that he was a man and was tough enough to take it.
After leaving his friend's place, he stopped at a bar for a couple of drinks. While at the bar, he bragged that he had just been bitten by a cobra, but wasn't worried because he was a man and he could take it.
An hour later, he dropped dead.
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery
A Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" over his wife's refusal to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both of his testicles and "put them on a table." After careful consideration, Varels "grabbed them and went to a health center to have them reattached..."
...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
Obviously Not a Backyard Mechanic!
When a California woman discovered a hose dangling from her motor home into a gasoline can, she called her husband, who searched the area and found a trail of someone’s stomach contents leading away from the can. The would-be fuel thief had apparently mistaken the septic tank cap for the fuel cap...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
…And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police grabbed him when they showed up for donuts.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
Give That Man a Hand!
A man in Virginia who cut off his own hand with a power saw lost his $3 million lawsuit against doctors at Norfolk General Hospital. Thomas Passmore said that the doctors should have known he was psychotic when he told them he had cut off his hand because it was possessed by the devil, and should have ignored his refusal to let them sew it back on.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.
"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife?
Hmmm...do you get the feeling that they're all just dog-paddling in the gene pool?
Where to Go, What to See, and...Who Are Those Guys?!!
