Due to circumstances beyond our control, Fudpucker Airlines (now Y2K-compliant) proudly (?) presents . . .

Night Flight
Tales from the Lighter Side of Aviation

C-130 Movie Download (MPEG file, 2.8 MB)

Your Captain cheerfully accepts all of the credit and none of the blame for anything that may appear here!

Got a good flying story to share? We'd like to hear it!!

And while you're here, be sure to check out Ashley's Hot Tips for Cool Pilots, Dudley's Goofy Guide to Aviation Terminology, Tales from the Shallow End of the Gene Pool, and The Darwin Awards.

All stories have been written slowly in case you can't read fast.

Close, But No Cigar

Pilot: "Cincinnati Tower, Baron 95 X-ray is over downtown and we almost have the field in sight."

Cincinnati Tower: "Roger, 95 X-ray, you are almost cleared for the visual approach to runway two-seven."

Bizjet Avionics

Columbus Approach: "Citation three-five-Zulu, traffic one o'clock, 7000, a Cessna 172 southbound."

35 Zulu: "Roger, we've got him on the Discovery Channel."

Columbus Approach: "Cessna eight-nine-Lima, traffic at eleven o'clock, 8000, a bizjet."

Cessna 89L: "Eight-nine-Lima, negative contact, but then, we don't have the Discovery Channel."

35 Zulu...in the slowest, deepest, most deliberate, announcer-like voice he could muster: "CALL YOUR CABLE OPERATOR."

Size Does Count!

Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolled into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. There was only one empty table remaining, which happened to be next the window, where he could keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. A few minutes later, a striking brunette walked up and asked if she might join him, since there were no other empty tables available. Naturally, he invited her to sit down.

After several minutes of small talk, the woman asked if he was a pilot. He responded, "Why, yes, I am. I fly a C-150." Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asked him what a C-150 was. The pilot looked out the window and spotted a C-130 Hercules taxiing out for takeoff.

Pointing to it, he told his companion, "See that plane over there? That's a C-130. I fly a C-150!"

It Don't Matter No-how!

This casual remark was recently overheard in Cottonwood, Arizona: "Cottonwood, Cessna 1234-Charlie at 4300, inbound for runway 34...or 35...whatever..."

Obviously, a non-precision approach...

Preflight Comedy

Has anyone noticed that SWA seems to have more than their share of flight attendants who also double as stand-up comics? Here's part of what passengers heard on one flight as they prepared to depart...

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 146, to Seattle. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."

You Can't Get There from Here

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bert Sampson

Cat Chow

One gentleman who used to work for British Aerospace tells a story of the compressed air "cannons" used to fire chickens into jet engines to simulate bird-strikes on the compressor blades. For obvious reasons, they don’t use frozen chickens for testing. With a test coming up the following morning, someone left a frozen chicken in the air-cannon overnight to thaw.

When the test was run and the results were somewhat different than expected, close examination of the high-speed video footage showed a very startled looking stray cat clinging to a half-eaten chicken as it exited the gun at Mach 0.7.

Cockpit Comedians

Chicago Center: "United 485, what’s your ride like at two-four-zero?" (24,000 ft.)

United 485: "It’s hard to tell, sir, but the Captain is eating and there are whitecaps on his milk."

Chicago Center: "Yeah, 485, thanks for nothing...Eastern 355, you’re at 240, what’s your ride like?"

Eastern 355: "It’s kinda hard to tell, Center…the Captain ain’t eating."

Yeah, Right!

Sometimes, air traffic controllers need to try to hurry things along in order to expedite the flow of traffic. One such request led to this entertaining exchange...

ATC: "Delta 256, can you get down to 8000 before crossing LIMPS intersection?"

Delta 256: "Yeah, but I can't bring the airplane with me."

How's that again???

The facilities at airports that provide fuel, maintenance, and other services are known as Fixed-Base Operators or FBOs.

One of the secretaries at a corporate office was checking to make sure that all was set for an upcoming flight on the company aircraft. When she spoke to the flight department, she requested the airport, flight time, and "which HBO you'll be using."

And How About a New Plane?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A curious passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

Brilliant Deduction, Watson!

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

Paying Attention

One of strangest "crashes" in aviation history, as related by noted aviation author Ernest K. Gann, involved a PBY Catalina amphibian that was being ferried to Europe by way of Greenland. Flying across the Greenland icecap, the pilots were simply relying upon their view out the windshield without watching and cross-checking their instruments.

The first indication that anything wrong was when they realized that there was no sound of the plane passing through the air and that the airspeed indicator read zero, even though engines were turning at normal cruise power. Since the scenery as they flew over the icecap consisted of nothing but white-on-white, their senses had fooled them into thinking that they were flying straight and level when, in reality, they were in a very slow descent.

The descent was so slow, in fact, that, at cruise power, they had literally flown right onto the icecap. Their touchdown on a smooth, snow-covered area was so light that they simply slid across the icecap as the snow gradually reduced their speed until they came to a complete standstill. The "landing" was so light and the slow-down so gradual that neither pilot felt a thing.

When they realized what had happened, they shut down the engines and jumped out onto the snow, laughing themselves silly. 

Postscript: Their laughter didn’t last long, though...because of all the snow, they couldn’t get up enough speed to take off again and spent a couple of cold days waiting for a rescue party to arrive.

On the Road Again...

Since the National captain and his copilot lived close to one another, just south of Miami, they decided to carpool for their next trip. The captain drove over and picked up the copilot. Running a bit late, they swerved in front of a slower car as they came to the tool booth and screeched to a halt just in time to throw their dime (the captain had stopped using the metal electrical washers) at the insatiable machine.

The car behind them almost got stopped in time before crashing into their bumper. The man who hit them was very quiet and pleasant, considering that the patrolman gave him a ticket for "following too closely," rather than giving one to the captain for actually causing the accident. Paperwork completed...back on the road again...rush to the airport to make the flight.

With no time to chit-chat at operations, they went straight to the departure gate. Just before pushback from the gate, a man entered the cockpit and showed them his FAA ID. He introduced himself to the copilot, saying that this would simply be a normal flight inspection and that he and the captain had already met.

It was the same man the captain had cut off at the toll booth! 

After the flight, FAA inspector got in a real "zinger" in on the captain when he told him, "Like most pilots, you fly better than you drive!"

You Never Listen!

ATC: "Delta three-fifty-three, contact Cleveland Center, one-three-five-point-six."

Pause....

ATC: "Delta three-fifty-three, contact Cleveland Center, one-three-five-point-six!"

Another pause...

Controller: "Delta three-fifty-three, you’re just like my wife...you never listen!"

Delta 353: "Center, this is Delta FIVE-fifty-three. Maybe if you called her by her right name, you might get a better response!"

Woof!

In addition to providing fuel, flight training, and other services, fixed-base operators are often asked to make arrangements for ground transportation for incoming pilots and passengers. As he taxied in following a very bad landing, the pilot of a charter flight called ahead for ground transportation for his passengers. We'll join the story there...

FBO: "One-one-Tango, say number of persons on board."

One-one-Tango: "Pilot, two pax (passengers), and one dog." 

FBO (after having watched the less-than-spectacular landing): "Nice landing...assume the pilot-in-command was the dog?"

Ah, Students...Ya Gotta Love 'Em!

Student: "Stewart Tower, Piper six-seven-three-nine-Tango, 15 miles out at 3000 with information Bravo, inbound for landing."

Stewart Tower: "Piper three-nine-Tango, say your current heading." (What compass heading was he flying?)

Student (sounding very serious): "Piper three-nine-Tango...I'm heading to the airport to land."

Stewart Tower: (hysterical laughter and giggling)

Cockpit Communication

ATC: "Delta 23, cross Gainesville, descend and maintain flight level two-seven-zero." (Flight levels are specified by using the first three digits of the altitude, in thousands of feet, and dropping the last two zeros; therefore, flight level two-seven-zero would be 27,000 feet.)

Delta23: "Delta 23, roger." (Three minutes later, Delta 23 is five miles from GNV, still at FL 350.)

ATC: "Delta 23, did you copy the crossing restriction, Gainesville at flight level two-seven-zero?"

Delta23: "Uhhh..... Jax... we're gonna miss that...my first officer took that clearance."

ATC: "Delta 23, do you think you could borrow his notes?"

Too Many Zeros!

A student pilot got a little mixed up with his air-speak while doing one of his required cross-country navigation flights. As he proceeded along his route, he wanted to climb to 3000 feet, so he contacted Indianapolis Center to let them know his intentions: "Indianapolis Center, eight-seven-Kilo is climbing to two-zero-zero-zero thousand feet."

Indianapolis Center: "Roger, eight-seven-Kilo, continue climbing and contact Houston!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bert Aerts

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!

Be careful of what you say...you might be changing the history of the world!

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised on Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he re-entered the lunar lander, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, they found that there was no one named "Gorsky" in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled and made no reply.

 On July 5,1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time, he finally responded. It turned out that his boyhood neighbors were a Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could finally answer the question.

 In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the Gorskys' yard, near the bedroom windows, which happened to be open.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Jeannine Pearson

Splitting Hairs

A British Airways 747-400 was landing at LAX. It was a perfect landing, but the controller decided to have a little fun. He didn't count, though, on the BA pilot being equally quick quick with a comeback. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: "Captain, you landed a little to the left of the center line on that one."

Speedbird: "That's correct...and my first officer landed a little to the right."

The Truth About Aerodynamics (What Really Makes Airplanes Fly)

Most aeronautical engineers and the general public associate the lift generated by a wing with the differential pressure between the upper and lower surfaces of the wing. Nothing could be farther from the truth. 

In reality, the lift required to cause a commercial aircraft to become airborne is furnished by the passengers and is inversely proportional to both the wing size and to the distance to be traveled. Furthermore, the distance to be traveled has a nonlinear relationship to lift, as will become clear in the following explanation:

1. How Passengers Provide Lift for Commercial Aircraft

The lift required for an aircraft to take off is furnished by the passengers pulling up on their seat armrests. 

2. How Takeoff Lift is Initiated by the Pilot

After the aircraft reaches the end of the runway preparatory to takeoff, the captain will advance the throttles on the engines. This action has two purposes: a) to provide horizontal thrust to propel the aircraft down the runway, and b) to increase the Passenger Aggregate Fear Level (PAFL) by raising the noise level in the cabin. The consequent rise in PAFL causes the passengers to strenuously lift up on their seat armrests, thus imparting lift to the aircraft. As you can readily see, the engines have two purposes - to move the aircraft horizontally and to scare the bejeebers out of the passengers.

3. How the Duration and Degree of Lift Are Modulated by the Pilot

Once cruising altitude is reached, the pilot will throttle the engines back to lower the noise level. The reduction in noise level results in a reduction in PAFL, with a consequent decrease in lift. It is necessary for the pilot to make only minor changes in noise level to maintain straight and level flight. In some instances where the PAFL does not decrease sufficiently to prevent further climbing, the captain may order that free drinks be passed around, thus further relaxing the passengers and lowering the PAFL. One may observe that on most aircraft, the first-class passengers are automatically anesthetized by the use of free alcohol. Clearly, first-class passengers are a source of surplus lift and must be dealt with accordingly. 

While the airline industry will never admit it, passenger seating assignment is governed by national characteristics. For instance, Italian males are hardly ever upgraded to first class since they are easily excitable, respond very quickly to outside stimuli, and cause abrupt and unpredictable changes in lift. Clearly, one would not want to get the Italians drunk. One difficulty associated with using Italians in this manner is their clannish nature; getting them evenly distributed (left and right, front and back) within the cabin can sometimes be difficult. Stewardesses will often resort to eyelash-batting and hip-wiggling to move the Italians about the aircraft. 

While at first blush, it may seem that the French would also be a good source of lift, their uncooperative nature makes lift modulation difficult. One should never fly on an aircraft containing more than 45 percent (by volume) Frenchmen. Note that Lufthansa, SAS, and KLM fly only very large aircraft.

Raising the PAFL for the stolid Germans, Swedes and Dutch is notoriously difficult, requiring as many people as possible in each aircraft. The British never fly. 

The high takeoff-accident rate for Aeroflot can be attributed to the fact that Russians are generally drunk before they get on the aircraft and are not a reliable source of PAFL-induced lift. 

Descent and landing are accomplished using a combination of fatigue and passenger discomfort. It is a happy coincidence that travel over greater distances takes a correspondingly longer time. Even the most casual observer will note that after the aircraft reaches cruising altitude the plane will begin a slow and gradual descent for the balance of the trip. This descent is due to passenger fatigue and discomfort. A detailed explanation of the fatigue factor is unnecessary; suffice to say that with time one's arms get tired and the upward pull on the armrests is reduced. By reducing leg and hip room, passenger discomfort is increased with time; this distraction is also sufficient to reduce the Passenger Induced Lift, (PIL). The common airline practice of showing only the most boring of in-flight movies is also a lift-modulation technique.

Note: The decrease in the amount and quality of airline food has not been found to be an effective method of PAFL modulation; biogas production offsets any decrease in lift. (See Hindenburg Disaster, reference no. 75.)

Several recent instances of sudden aircraft descent have been attributed to air pockets. The air pocket explanation is clearly a feeble attempt on the part of the aircraft crews to avoid blame. In reality, the crew neglected to closely monitor passenger fatigue, discomfort, or degree of inebriation. Luckily, sudden decreases in altitude are self-correcting due to the consequent rise in panic levels and increase in PAFL-induced lift. 

Most passengers and the general public believe that the oft experienced practice of circling the airport many times prior to landing is caused by the weather. This is not wholly the case. During bad weather, the PAFL increases as the aircraft reaches its destination. This undesirable increase in PAFL and consequent increase in lift must be dissipated by prolonging the flight and further tiring the passengers. 

4. Historical Basis for This Theory and the Role of PAFL in Aircraft Design

As you may recall from early aeronautical history, the Wright Brothers' aircraft had four wings with a very large surface area. The large surface area of the wings inspired great confidence in Wilbur and Orville, decreasing their PAFL and, as a consequence, decreasing the altitude and flight duration capabilities of the Wright Flyer. As aircraft design advanced, it was found that smaller wing surfaces inspired greater PAFL, with a resultant increase in aircraft performance. Indeed it was not until the advent of the multi-passenger aircraft (with a higher PAFL factor) that increases in range and altitude were possible. The only reason wings (albeit very small ones) are still included on aircraft is that they look nice. 

It is a little-known historical fact that the general unpopularity and eventual demise of the supersonic passenger aircraft were brought about by the fact that as soon as the aircraft reached supersonic speeds and altitudes, the passengers could no longer hear the engines, due to the high speed and thin air. No noise, no PAFL--and no PIL. The aircraft would drop like a rock, causing the PAFL to spike drastically, and the aircraft would then climb precipitously back to a high altitude, with the consequent loss of engine noise. As speed once again increased, the process would then repeat. The resultant sinusoidal altitude and speed changes thus rendered supersonic travel impractical. 

While further research by highly annoying and pedantic people may bring this theory into disrepute, one must keep firmly in mind that, even with all of the airlines' efforts to reduce personal space aboard commercial airliners, they have yet to remove the armrests.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Jeanne Combo

ATIS

The Departure ATIS at Philadelphia International Airport has become somewhat infamous for ending with what one might call "non-standard phraseology."

On a day when the weather was awful and departing aircraft were lucky to be delayed "only" two or three hours, the monotone computer-generated voice went through the usual litany of weather, runway info, and NOTAMS, then finished up with: "One turn in a hold: $2,000. One go-around: $4,000. Spending a day with your copilot: priceless. Advise you have Yankee."

Situational Awareness

A wife reports that her husband, an airline pilot, often has difficulty locating items around the house. One day he asked where the salt was. His wife responded, "How on earth can you find Detroit at night in a blizzard, but you can't find the salt in your own kitchen?"

"Well, darling," he replied sweetly, "they don't move Detroit."

Radio Check

Cessna 2467S: "Van Nuys Ground, Cessna 2467 Sierra, how do you read?"

Ground: "On about a twelfth-grade level." (Followed by laughter in the background.)

I'll Take That!

On the upper deck business-class of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the passengers heard the following announcement over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."

After a short pause with no takers, the offer was loudly accepted - by a member of the cockpit crew.

Gotta Love Those New Yorkers!

Every pilot has gotten a little tongue-tied on the radio from time to time. Student pilots are especially prone to this affliction as they learn what to say and when to say it, especially around the larger, busier airports.

It was this student pilot's first attempt at radio communications in Class C airspace around New York City. It went something like this: "New York Approach, this is Cessna...uhhh...s#*t!!

Smoothly handling the lapse in protocol, the Controller calmly responded: "Cessna Sierra Hotel India Tango, say again your tail number!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Joel Cress

Even Controllers Get Tongue-tied

Controllers often find it necessary to ask questions on the radio when pilots don't respond properly or react strangely to ATC instructions. This blooper happened one day when it was obvious that the student pilot was confused and the controller tried to determine whether there was an instructor aboard.

ATC: "Cessna eight-five-Yankee, are you solo or by yourself?"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger G8TOR2

I Don't Take Shorthand

A pilot was trying to get a clearance from the controller who insisted on talking faster than the pilot could write. Exasperated, the pilot finally said, "Trenton, you can repeat that oh, say, about ten times...or you can say it again once, slowly."

Another pilot was attempting to deal with ATC at Kennedy, but the controller shot everything out at a machine-gun pace. The frustrated pilot finally came back with "New York, you hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listenin'."

What's in a Name?

An employee for USAir, who happened to have the last name, "Gay," got on a plane recently, using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So as not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another USAir flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems, causing the passengers on that flight to be rerouted on other flights. Several of these rerouted passengers were put on Mr. Gay's flight and everyone on that flight who was holding a free ticket was being bumped. USAir ramp agents, armed with a list of these "freebie" ticket-holders, boarded the plane to request the free ticket-holders to de-plane. However, as you may remember, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat, but the ramp agent had no way of knowing that.

When she reached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked the man in the seat, "Are you Gay?" The astonished man hesitated and then shyly nodded "Yes," at which point she demanded, "Then you have to get off the plane."

Our Mr. Gay, overhearing what the ramp agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!".

With that, an angry third passenger yelled, "Hell, I'm gay, too! They can't kick us all off!"

Confusion reigned as more and more passengers began yelling that USAir had no right to remove gays from their flights.

They're probably still on the tarmac fighting it out.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Stuart Vervuurt

Things We'd Rather Not Know

National 676: "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! London Control, this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning. Climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend."

London Approach: "National 676, roger. Are you in control of the aircraft?"

National 676: "No more than usual!"

Cruising Down the River

Every Boeing 747 comes equipped with several life rafts. It seems that several Boeing employees decided to steal a life raft from a 747. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home, but were arrested when they took it for a ride on the river. As the floated along in blissful ignorance, they were suddenly quite surprised to find a Coast Guard helicopter headed right for them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that was activated when the raft was inflated!

The local sheriff paid them a visit a short time later.

We Certainly Hope So!

Pilot: "Montgomery County radio, could you give us the current weather at College Station?"

Montgomery County Flight Service: "Currently, they're carrying a 500-foot broken ceiling, winds out of the northeast at 10 to 15, visibility 8, and the altimeter is 29.85."

Pilot: "Copy that. Is that 500-foot ceiling due to clouds?"

Say What?!

An altimeter indicates the correct altitude of an aircraft, based on the barometric pressure of the surrounding air, which the pilot must periodically set into a small window in the altimeter as his flight progresses. When ATC wants to know if a pilot is using the correct altimeter setting, the controller will often ask if the pilot has the altimeter setting for such-and-such area in which he's flying. The normal phrasing of the question, however, can sometimes produce unexpected comedy.

Controller: "Do you have Miami's altimeter?"

Student pilot (after long pause): "No sir, this one belongs to the flight school where I rented the plane."

Wild Kingdom

Ground: "Three-four-Alpha, turn right on Hotel, taxi to parking. Bear left, disabled aircraft on the right."

Three-four-Alpha: "Roger, we have the disabled aircraft in sight...looking for the bear."

Words of Wisdom

A good landing is one you can walk away from, but a great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again!

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Don Shields

Stumpy and Martha

Stumpy and his wife, Martha, went to the state fair every year. Every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars...and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars...and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. Then he did it all again, and still not a word. After they landed, the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Suzanne Gord

...And the Next Event Will Be the "Jetway Sprint!"

At the airport, the passengers were settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Suddenly, they heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

All the passengers picked up their baggage and made the trek over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later, the public address voice made another announcement, saying that Flight 570 would, in fact, be boarding from Gate 35.

Once, again, they gathered their carry-on baggage and returned to the original gate. Just as they were settling down, the public address voice spoke once again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical-fitness program."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger J. Mains

We Won't Tell If You Don't

Cincinnati Approach: "Comair 3215, descend and maintain three thousand, pilot's discretion."

Comair 3215: "Comair 3215, descending discreetly to three thousand."

True Dedication

The air traffic controller was walking on the ramp one day happened to run into an airline employee he recognized. While the employee emptied a tank that was obviously from the toilets from a nearby B727, the controller engaged in the usual pleasantries with him. A few minutes into the conversation, he asked the man how long he had been emptying these "honey buckets."

The man thought about it for a moment and said, "Over twenty years now."

Curious, the controller asked why the man hadn't tried to better himself or perhaps get a job that paid more. The man replied, "What, and get out of aviation?!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger G8TOR2!

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

Have you ever noticed that no matter how short or long a flight, people always seem to feel a sudden urgency to be the first one off the plane? Well, a Boeing 727 captain was confronted with a situation in which a passenger, determined to be the first off the plane and in a flagrant violation of Federal Air Regulations, actually left his seat while the plane was still taxiing in to the gate, proceeded to the entry door, and stood there. After he repeatedly refused to return to his seat when requested to do so by the flight attendant, she informed the pilots of the problem.

The captain advised the flight attendant that, upon arrival at the gate, deplaning would be accomplished through the rear stairway (the 727 has a rear stairway under the tail). He told her not to mention this and that he would make a PA announcement at the gate. He then notified ground personnel to make arrangements for deplaning the passengers by way of the rear stairway and escorting them into the terminal.

When they arrived at the gate, the captain made a PA to the effect that the jetway was broken and that the passengers would need to deplane through the aircraft's rear stairway. Of course, by now, the aisle was completely filled with passengers waiting to deplane. The man who was in such a hurry to get off was stuck next to the door at the very front of the aircraft and wound up being the very last passenger to leave the plane.

And What If the Tag Says "IDIOT?"

A woman called the airline and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?"

The agent replied, "No, why do you ask?"

She said, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight. Is there any connection?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while he "looked into it" (he was actually trying to stop laughing long enough to speak) the agent came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

How About Tea, Instead?

A green Eastern flight attendant wrote the following in the cabin squawk book: "First Class coffee-maker only makes hot water."

The mechanic signed it off the squawk this way: "Installed coffee. Ops Check OK."

Git Along, Little Dogie!

On a very quiet Sunday morning, a pilot was flying his Robinson R22 helicopter to a very small uncontrolled field in Middletown, N.Y. to join a gathering of fellow helicopter pilots for competitions and hangar flying, known as a "helicopter roundup."

The pilot's route passed through the Windsor Locks, Conn. Class B airspace, so the pilot called up Approach Control for clearance through the airspace. As the controller cleared the helicopter into the airspace, he added, "I used to work that district. What in the world are you going there for?"

The pilot replied that he was going to Middletown to participate in a helicopter roundup.

After a lengthy pause, the controller came back with, "It must be kinda hard to lasso those puppies."

Graffiti

Scrawled on the wall in the Pilots' Lounge: "Asking a pilot what he thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about a dog."

Just like Rodney...No Respect

As you may remember from one of our other stories, the Short Brothers 360 is a twin-engine turboprop known at airports around the world for its resemblance to a boxcar with wings. The pilot of a twin on approach to Bakersfield's Meadows Field was on a parallel approach course to a Short's 360 landing on 30R and was conversing with the pilot of the 360.

360 pilot to the twin pilot: "How do you like our new airplane?"

Twin pilot: "It'll look a lot better once you remove it from the shipping crate!"

Poetic Justice

In the days of the Northrop F-89 Scorpions, the Air Force advisor to an Idaho ANG interceptor squadron at Gowen Field was driving to work one day when he got caught in a speed trap on a road that ran very near to the end of the runway. He argued his case with the local cops, but to no avail.

Steaming mad and more than a little frustrated, he stormed into Operations demanding that an F-89 be readied for him immediately. Firing up the engines, he taxied to the active runway and took off.

Shortly after getting airborne, he declared an emergency and reversed course back to the field. Of course, being the good pilot that he was and ever-mindful not to exceed the max landing weight of his Scorpion, he dumped his excess fuel...just as he reached the street near the end of the runway.

The fuel-drenched cops packed up their radar and weren't seen anywhere near that area again for a very long time.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Kyle Green!

Welcome to Phoenix

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport!

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They've been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, with one especially interesting feature being the incorporation of Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into combat simulations. Most of the people employed for this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. As part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees and animals. For the Australian armed forces simulation, they had to include kangaroos and model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model the reactions of infantry detachments under the same stimuli), then changed the images (from infantrymen to kangaroos), the speed parameters, etc. Now the stage was set, just in time for the Aussies to demonstrate their hot new simulator to some visiting Americans.

Deciding to do a little "showboating," the hotshot demo pilots got "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. They came in low and fast, buzzing the kangaroos and watching them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively...and then gaped as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, then popped back up and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.

The programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding and, as the Americans left, they were heard muttering about not wanting to mess with Aussie wildlife...

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Tim Widowfield!

A Dog Named Copilot

In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, a dog named Copilot. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him to go hunting. "Good huntin' dog," said the mountaineer, "gonna cost ya fifty dollars a day." They agreed and three days later came back with their limit.

The next year they came back. "Copilot got better...gonna cost ya seventy-five dollars a day." Again they agreed and two days later came back with their limit.

The third year they came back again and told the mountaineer they had to have Copilot, even if it cost a hundred dollars a day. "You can have that worthless mutt for five dollars a day...and I'm overcharging you four dollars at that!"

"But I don't understand," asked one of the hunters, "what happened to him?"

"A crew from that there air base in Okaloosa county come up and rented him. Well, one o' them idiots called him 'Pilot' and ever since then, all he does is sit on his butt and bark!"

Assertiveness

As the flight neared its destination, the male flight attendant, who was quite obviously "a little light in the loafers," pranced down the aisle and announced "The captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big, scary plane shortly, so if you could all just put up your trays, that would be great."

Everyone complied with the request, except for one woman. A few moments later, the flight attendant stopped at her seat again and said to her, "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still refused to comply.

By this time, he was beginning to get annoyed, but asked her one more time to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Finally out of patience with her attitude and her arrogance, the flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah?! Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and that means I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Stuart Vervuurt!

We're Fast, But We're Not That Fast!

When a British Airways employee answered the telephone, the woman at the other end asked, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?"

"Just a minute," he said as he turned to look up the information.

The woman replied, "Thank you," and hung up.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Joel Smith!

Pinpoint Accuracy

Vero Beach Tower, to an incoming aircraft: "Nine-one-Zulu, say your position."

91Z: "Uh...over some cows."

And Only the Names Have Been Changed...

"If you enjoyed your flight today, remember, it was PSA 1717. If not, it was United 445."

Let's Check That Again

Most modern aircraft are equipped with radar transponders that not only give air traffic controllers a distinct radar image, but which also provide altitude information on the screen as well. However, since not all aircraft have this capability and sometimes there's the occasional malfunction, controllers don't tend to get overly concerned about it unless there's a safety issue involved. This exchange took place when a controller was seeing a target on his screen that wasn't showing any sort of altitude indication:

Approach Control: "Cessna One-Alpha-Bravo, you have unidentified traffic at 2 o'clock, three miles, altitude unknown, over the railroad tracks. Very slow moving primary target...might be a helicopter."

(Long pause...) One-Alpha-Bravo: "Might be a train..."

Welcome to the Zoo

A woman called the airline to make flight reservations: "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York."

The agent was at a loss for words, but politely asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer replied, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York. On a hunch, he finally asked, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was some kind of big animal!"

Things Aren't Always as They Seem

The contributor of this story, Tim Tufts, a 19-year-old private pilot, was attending college in Illinois. When some of his friends discovered that he was a pilot, he invited one of them to come along for a ride. The friend was somewhat fearful of flying, but after thinking it over for a couple of weeks, he decided to give it a try.

Well, the day of the flight was a bright, gorgeous day with blue skies and very little cloud cover…perfect weather for flying. Tim started through his preflight inspection, taking his time and enjoying the nice weather as he went through his inspection checklist, not realizing that his passenger had no idea what he was doing by looking over the plane from one end to the other with the list in his hand.

Finally, it was time to climb in and go. Tim ran the cockpit checklist items and started the engine. He then made sure his friend was buckled in and handed the checklist to him, asking him to read off the remaining items. He looked at Tim oddly and, as his eyes grew bigger, a frightened look came over his face. Suddenly, he unbuckled the belt, opened the door, and jumped out.

When Tim quickly shut down the engine and got out to ask what was wrong, his friend looked at him and screamed, "There's no way in hell I'm flying with you if you need an instructional manual on how to fly this thing!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Tim Tufts!

Camouflage?

A Short Brothers 360, a twin-engine turboprop known far and wide for its resemblance to a boxcar with wings was making its approach into Atlanta. The conversation between air traffic control and the flight following the "Short's" went something like this:

ATC: "Delta 324, be advised that your traffic is a Short's at twelve o'clock, three miles, on final."

Delta 324: "Delta 324, we've got him in sight. Oh, no...wait a second...he just flew over a trailer park and we lost him!"

10,000 Unemployed Comedians and We Get...

When controllers are uncertain what a pilot plans or wants to do, they usually say, "Say your intentions." Few pilots are daring enough to respond literally, but once in a while, as we join the conversation...

Tower: "Eastern four-thirteen, say your intentions."

Eastern 413: "I intend to retire to a small farm in Georgia and raise peaches."

Would You Care to Re-think Your Intentions?

[Not strictly aviation humour, but close enough to the spirit of the stories we present here.] This was an actual radio conversation, as released by the Chief of Naval Operations

#1: "Unidentified vessel, please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

#2: "Negative. Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision."

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course!"

#2: "Negative. I say again, you divert your course."

#1: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!"

#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call…"

Poetic Justice...Times Two

A certain United Airlines gate agent should win some sort of award for being both smart and funny, and for making her point very effectively when confronted with a boorish passenger who probably deserved to fly in the cargo hold. On this particular day, a crowded United flight had been canceled and this lone agent was single-handedly re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the front of the line, slapped his ticket down on the counter, and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out, though."

This wasn't good enough for the boor. Trying to impress on her his overinflated sense of self-importance, he asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and picked up her public-address microphone. "May I have your attention please? We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If there is anyone here who can help him determine his identity, please come to the gate immediately."

By this time, everyone in line behind him was howling with laughter. Realizing that he'd just been made to look the fool that he was, the man glared at the United agent and snarled, "F___ you!"

She didn't even so much as blink as she smiled sweetly and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Randy Gillar!

Another Comedian

Squawk-sheet entry: Aircraft handles funny.

Mechanic's reply: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Scott Risner!

A Little Too Much Vino, Perhaps?

"A woman called the airline and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." The ticket agent asked if she meant that she wanted to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. "Yeah, whatever," replied the passenger.

Y'all Talk Kinda Funny Down Here!

As the story goes, a Beechcraft pilot was delivering the one of the very first twin-engine Beech Barons to a show in New Orleans. Here's how it went when he called New Orleans Approach Control:

Baron: New Orleans Approach, Baron nine-three-three-four Bravo with information Charlie, landing New Orleans.

Approach: Roger, Baron three-four-Bravo, squawk 4336, heading 191, report the Causeway...(slight pause)...uhh, Baron three-four-Bravo, by the way, what's a Baron?

(Another pause) Baron: Uhh, Approach, I'll tell you what a Baron is if you'll tell me what the heck a causeway is!

Well, Just Keep Us Posted...

While practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, Tower…we ain't done crashin' yet!"

From the Profound Revelations Department

This interesting tidbit of knowledge recently showed up on the "Dateline NBC" expose' on the Boeing 737 rudder problem:

"The rudder is the vertical panel attached to the tail that steers the plane left or right. It's moved by pedals in the cockpit. The pilot pushes the right rudder pedal, the plane turns right. He pushes the left rudder pedal, it turns left."

Is "Duh!" perhaps the operative word here?

Mmmmmm...

Squawk-sheet entry: Targeting radar hums.

Mechanic's reply: Reprogrammed targeting radar with the words.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Scott Risner!

See This Red "S" On My Chest?

The rich-and-famous don't always succeed in flaunting the rules, as Muhammed Ali learned on one flight. As the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked Ali to buckle his seatbelt. Ali replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt!"

Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied "Superman don't need no airplane, either!" Ali buckled up without another word.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Mike Rudman!

But Honey, It's True!

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-secyrity, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as, "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were verysurprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bert Aerts!

Flying Deadheads

Have you ever been on a plane and seen pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which they're based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems, or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to catch a deadheading flight. And so begins our story…

While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags and ran to the plane.

As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting, "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't know she even knew how to start the engines!"

Until the passengers realized they’d been snookered by these jokers, you couldn't believe the startled looks on their faces!

McFlying

Cessna 2743-Charlie: "Cincinnati Approach, Cessna 2743-Charlie off Madiera, request two practice ILS approaches, followed by the published missed to the VOR to hold, a VOR approach, two NDB approaches, and an ASR approach."

Approach: "Cessna 2743-Charlie, squawk four-seven-five-three, and would you like fries with that, sir?"

Flight Attendant and Part-time Comedian

"Good morning, everyone, and welcome aboard American Trans Air flight 458. Before we take off, I'd like to call your attention to some safety features we have on board.  Each seat on board comes with a safety information card, we'd like you to read very carefuly through this in preparation for the mid-flight test later on. I'd also like to call your attention to the smartly dressed flight attendants standing before you, who will be pointing out exits and other aircraft equipment.  There are six exits on board, two at the back two in the middle and two at the front.  Should there be a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from above.  Place these over your mouth and nose and begin breathing normally.  Adults, put your own mask on before helping a child or an adult who's acting like a child.

"Once we have reached a comfortable altitude, the captain will turn off the seat belt sign and you will be free to move about the cabin. If you need to use the bathroom, we have six on board, three forward and three aft. If you're unfamiliar with the terms 'fore' and 'aft,' you're in some trouble, aren't you? We'd like to remind you that this is a no-smoking flight and, to ensure this, smoke detectors are installed in all lavatories. Federal law prohibits tampering with this device or with the hidden camera. Photographs will be available at the end of the flight.

How Do You Spell "Sardine?"

The normal passenger load for a C-130 transport is 90 passengers; a C-130 transport coming out of Saigon during the evacuation in the closing days of the Vietnam war took off with an amazing 437 people on board! The weight was well within the load-lifting capabilities of the C-130, but considering that the C-130 isn't anywhere close to the size of a 747, where did they put all those people?!

One Way to Look at It

A student pilot, whose father happened to be an airline pilot, was talking to his instructor about life in general. He said, "When I die, I'm going to go quietly, not screaming and crying like my father's passengers!"

And When the Big Hand Is On the Three...

When an aircraft is ready to take off, the pilot will normally request takeoff clearance from the tower by transmitting a phrase something like this: "Tower, two-one-Tango ready for takeoff." There are many variations on this theme and some of them can sometimes produce hilarious results.

Pilot, requesting a takeoff clearance: "Tower, one-three-Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff."

Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check your temperatures and pressures, keep the aircraft lined up on the runway by using..."

Plenty of Time

KLM (Royal Dutch Airlines) and SLM (Suriname Airways) have an agreement to let SLM cockpit crews fly the Suriname - Holland connection 50% of the time, but always with a KLM cabin crew. As it happened one day, when the SLM crew got on board in Suriname, the KLM cabin crew-members, all female and all with nice tans from enjoying the tropical sun for a few days, were already on board.

As the SLM captain taxied out, he forgot to turn off the PA system and said to his co-pilot, "Did you see that cute, long-haired blonde back there? I'd love to invite her up here after takeoff to come and sit on my lap for a while!" Everyone on board began to laugh and the blonde in question, blushing deeply, ran forward to warn the captain that his PA was still transmitting.

As she passed, a little old lady tugged at her skirt and said in a kind voice, "No need to hurry, sweetheart, the captain said after takeoff."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Stuart Vervuurt, Paramaribo, Suriname!

Paybacks Are Hell!

There were several airplanes "holding short" and waiting for takeoff clearance. All of them had pulled over into the holding area just short of the taxiway leading to the runway and were just sitting there, side by side, waiting for ATC to clear them for takeoff. An Eastern flight taxied into the area and continued slowly past the parked planes until it was blocking all other airplanes. The tower cleared the first plane for takeoff, but all they could do was complain, "We're blocked and can't get to the runway."

The tower then asked, "Who can reach the runway for takeoff?"

"Eastern 313 is ready to go!"

After being cleared for takeoff, one of the Eastern pilots whispered smugly over the radio, "Purdy slick, huh?"

As they started down the runway and got up to about 80 knots, someone keyed his microphone and rang the engine fire-warning alarm test. Hearing the alarm and thinking it was their own, Eastern immediately aborted the takeoff and reported, "Eastern 313, we're aborting for an engine fire warning...but we don't have any fire lights illuminated!"

As they taxied clear of the runway someone added, "Purdy slick, huh?"

Squawk, Squawk!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Knocking/tapping sound coming from under the cargo compartment floor. Sounds like little man with a hammer"

Mechanic's reply: "Found little man, took away hammer."

Squawk: Whining noise now coming from #2 engine compartment.

Reply: Returned hammer to little man in #2 engine.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Ken Shinn, USAF C-130 Flight Engineer!

Been There, Done That!

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. Sound like any of the flights you've been on?

Touch and Go and Touch and Go and Touch…

The Cessna Skylane was about to touch down at an airport in Utah when one of the gauges began to oscillate. Although the offending gauge wasn't of any consequence at this point, it distracted the pilot enough to cause him to bounce the aircraft twice on the runway before finally getting it firmly planted on the ground.

Tower: "The third one was a grease-job."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bob Rothman (the guilty party)!

I Want to Be a Pilot

This letter was published in Approach magazine some years ago and originated from an eighth grade class assignment in a small school in South Carolina.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bob Wilson!

Now...Sit Down and Shut Up!

An 18-year-old pilot who had received his Private Pilot's license as soon as he became eligible on his 17th birthday was asked by the company that trained him if he would be interested in making a few bucks by flying someone only a few hundred miles for a business trip in Kalamazoo, Michigan...just a quick drop-off. He agreed to make the flight to get the free flight time. Being 18 and still in high school, he worked part time in the bar area of a local bowling alley to help pay for his flying.

The night before the flight, he checked the weather briefings to get an idea of what to expect in the morning and then went to work. While he was busy stocking the refrigerators in the bar with beer, one half-drunk bar patron in his mid-30's asked his drinking buddies if any of them knew what the forecast for the following morning was, since he had an early morning flight. Since his friends were half-drunk themselves and didn't have a clue about the weather, the 18-year-old pilot volunteered that there was about 5 knots of wind out of the south at 180 degrees, with visibility of a mile and scattered clouds at 800 feet.

The man just stared at him with a half-disgusted look on his face and asked how he knew that. The pilot just told him that he also had an early flight in the morning. Not realizing that the young man was a pilot, the patron asked condescendingly "Son, how old are you?" When the pilot answered, "Eighteen," the customer sneered, "Kid, just stick with your little beer-stocking job and let the pilots deal with the weather forecast. I've got a 5:30 a.m. flight to Kalamazoo, Michigan and I don’t need your bullsh*t forecast!"

As recognition dawned, the young man's amazement at such boorishness turned to recognition and a big "gotcha" grin. The patron just sat there, not saying a word for the rest of the evening, while his friends nearly fell out of their seats in hysterical laughter when "The Kid" set down the case of beer he was stocking, shook hands with the customer, and said, "Good evening Mr. Spargo, I'm pleased to be able to meet you before our departure...I'll be your pilot for tomorrow morning's flight."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger (name withheld in case the FAA is watching)!

And If His Hearing Aid Fails?

The passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up and get the flight underway. The pilot and co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane and began walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appeared to be blind and had their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. The pilot was using a white cane, bumping into passengers as he stumbled down the aisle and the co-pilot was using a guide dog. At first the passengers didn't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines started spooling up and the airplane started moving down the runway.

The passengers looked at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves, and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. As the airplane started accelerating rapidly, people began to panic and some passengers were praying. As the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices became more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane had almost no runway remaining, everyone screamed at once and, at that very moment, the airplane lifted off and became airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathed a sigh of relief and turned to the captain, "You know, one of these days, the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Flo Wolfe Sharp of Systems Consulting Services, Inc.!

Take That!

A 747 pilot was taxiing behind an Avro Regional Jet (also known somewhat derisively as a "Jumbolino") and was constantly picking on the Avro in in somewhat uncomplimentary terms: "Will stop behind the Jumbolino," "Will line up behind the little one," and so it went.

By the time the Avro was positioned on the runway and holding for takeoff clearance, its captain had had enough of the insults - it was time for revenge. The airbrakes on an Avro swing open on the left and right sides of the fuselage, near the rear of the aircraft. As the tower cleared him for take-off, the Avro captain opened his airbrakes, made a loud flatulent noise on the radio, closed the brakes, and took off.

Silence from the 747.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Bert Aerts, of Hasselt, Belgium!

The Whole Nine Yards...

The term, "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When aircraft were being armed on the ground, it was found that an ammo belt containing enough .50 caliber machine gun ammo to completely fill the ammo boxes in the wings measured exactly 27 feet in length. So, if the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

"And Furthermore, Sonny..."

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, giving a smile and a friendly, "Thanks for flying XYZ Airline." This happened to be the first officer's leg to fly and he had just hammered his ship into the runway really hard. Expecting wisecracks and sarcastic comments from the departing passengers about his bad landing, he had a hard time looking them in the eye as they exited the plane.

Finally, everyone had gotten off with no wisecracks except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She stopped and said, "Sonny, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no, M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Flo Wolfe Sharp of Systems Consulting Services, Inc.!

And the Big Hand Is On the...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

What Was That?!

For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock.

Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway..."

That's the Last Time I'll Ever Do That!

A navy SNJ (the navy version of the venerable T-6 Texan) student and his instructor were on their landing approach. Sounding nervous, the student told the instructor that he wasn't ready to land by himself just yet. Immediately, the rear canopy opened up and the control stick came flying out. The instructor then said to the student, "You have to land! You’re the only one with a control stick!" The student had no choice but to make the landing and as it turned out, he did a pretty good job, too.

The next day, the same exchange took place again between the same student and the same instructor. As the rear canopy opened and the control stick came flying out again, the front canopy also opened and another control stick came flying out of that one, too!

Thinking they were about to crash, the instructor stood up to bail out. Just in time, the student stopped him and let him in on the joke…the one that went over the side was a spare stick that the student had checked that morning and the real one was still firmly attached to the airplane.

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Nancy Ashment!

Quit Whining!

Senior airline captain complaining to the Chief Pilot: "I'm really getting tired of this...every time I wake up, the other two guys are reading!"

76-Year-Old John Glenn's Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle

Here are the top ten modifications NASA is making to the shuttle Discovery in preparation for John Glenn's flight:

• All important devices will be operated by the "Clapper."
• The shuttle's thermostat will be set at 80 degrees.
• Shuffleboard will be installed in the cargo bay.
• "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria will be included on the menu.
• One monitor will be specifically designated for "Matlock."
• Space pants will now go up to the armpits.
• Little bowls of candy will be scattered randomly about the ship.
• Top speed of the shuttle will be set at 25 miles per hour.
• A new bifocal windshield will be installed.
• The left blinker will be left on for the entire mission.

If I Knew That, I Wouldn't Be Talking to You!

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz (the international distress frequency) on a busy Saturday: "Lost aircraft, say your position."

More Than We Needed to Know...

Tower: "Two-one-Zulu, turn right at this time and report your heading."

Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

Kaboom!

Following a pretty hard landing, the pilot got on the PA system and told his passengers, "Sorry, folks, for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphalt."

10,000 Unemployed Comedians and We Get...

On an American Airlines flight a few years ago, landing at Chicago's O'Hare, every passenger let out a startled "Oh!" as the 747 smacked down really hard onto the runway. Altering the usual "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just landed at Chicago's O'Hare...," the flight attendant announced over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have just attacked O'Hare Airport!"

Chuckles and guffaws all around the cabin, but no response from the cockpit!

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger David Rockwell!

Better Luck Next Time!

It was a flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy, bumpy day and during the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it all the way down. After the extremely hard landing that resulted, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

...And What's Yours?

21X-ray: "Tower, 21X-ray ready for takeoff."

Tower: "21X-ray, say your full sign." (Give your full call sign, such as, "Cessna 3521X-ray.")

21X-ray: "I’m a Libra."

On vacation...Happy New Year to all!

How Could I Have Missed That?!

The Air Force T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!" The attendant just looked at the pilot.

"Bet you don't get too many airplanes asking for fuel," said the pilot with a smirk.

The attendant replied, "Yep, that's true. Most pilots use the airport right over there," as he pointed toward the nearby runway.

Former Cab Drivers?

While trying to keep the passengers from getting up and moving around before taxiing was completed, the flight attendant decided to try a slightly different approach when she announced over the PA: "Ladies and gentlemen, our pilots fly much better than they drive, so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal."

It worked...everyone stayed in their seats.

First Things First, Then We'll Worry About the Landing...

It was a simulator training day at Continental in Denver, and the theme for the day was "Incapacitation of the PIC". On an ILS approach, just as the crew reported the outer marker, the captain, as briefed, slumped over the yoke. Ignoring the slumped-over captain, the FO slid his seat back and begin rummaging in his flight bag.

The instructor froze the simulation, stomped into the cockpit, and demanded to know what was going on. The FO replied with a grin, "Well, Harry here just died and I'm checking his seniority number."

...Like I Haven't Got Enough to Do Already!

Santa was having a bad night…gusty winds, low visibility, and the reindeer were asking for more money. Trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, he was surprised to find a man with a shotgun standing next to his sleigh. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat."

Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years, but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him and placed it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?"

The FAA inspector grumbled in reply, "You're gonna lose one on takeoff..."

~ Contributed by Fudpucker passenger Monica de Moss!

Uh, Could We Try That Question Again?

His aircraft badly bashed by tall corn, the pilot was doing his best to explain to the FAA crash investigator why there was no fuel in the tanks.

"This really wasn't the field I picked out," he said. "I realized I was too high to make the first one so I had to take this one. I was on short final when it hit me...I didn't know whether to land with the corn rows or against the corn rows. What is the standard corn field landing procedure?"

Without batting an eye, the inspector replied, "The standard corn field landing procedure is to buy gas at the airport." The pilot stood there blinking for several seconds before he answered.

"Oh."

From the Pen of American Humorist Robert Benchley...

In America there are two classes of travel: first class, and with children.

Does Detroit Know About This?

There was a really popular captain at Pan Am who was rather absent-minded. He had a history of missing trips and missing limo pickups at the hotels because he would forget. Everyone knew this and kept an eye on him. One day, when he drove his car to the airport for his trip, he decided to drop his book bag and luggage off in Operations before he drove to the employee parking lot. He left his car running out in front of Operations and went inside to drop off his bags. A curb-side baggage Skycap (who knew and liked him) watched him park and go inside.

Later, the Skycap checked inside to find the captain had departed on his trip, with his car still running out front. The Skycap parked the car and three days later (when the captain was scheduled to return), brought the car back to the same spot and left the engine running. When the captain came out (followed by everyone in Operations who knew what had happened), he exclaimed, "Oh, my God, it's still running!"

Call Perry Mason!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Mechanic's reply: "Evidence removed."

Trick or Treat?!

Sometimes, just being in close proximity to the opposite sex can have the most embarrassing effects on how well we manage to express ourselves. A very handsome male passenger caused an experienced flight attendant to get her words totally twisted around as she was taking drink orders prior to takeoff: "After we drink, what would you like to take off?"

Probably the best offer he had all day!

Better Luck Next Time...

Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote lake in Alaska. As he dropped them off, the pilot said, "Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece, but don't do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose strapped onto the pontoons."

The hunters promised, but temptation was too great, and they shot two. When the pilot returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered, but finally, they strapped a moose to each pontoon. He went to the downwind end of the lake, firewalled it, and finally lifted off just at the far shore.

The plane struggled to climb, but the terrain rose faster and they ended up in the trees. When the noise finally stopped, the pilot looked at one of the hunters and said, "I told you SOB's we couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!"

The hunter replied, "Well, we got about a half-a-mile farther than we did last year!"

...And We'll Leave the Light On for You!

"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc.

At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...

The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.

Approach: "33W, confirm you have 'Hotel.' "

33W: "Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet."

After that, Approach was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went something like this call to United 583 (which didn't make it any easier to stop laughing)...

Approach: "United 583, descend to Flight Level 220."

United 583: "United 583, down to Flight Level 220. We don't have a hotel room, either."

And With a Wave of Her Wand...

It was late at night, the tower controllers were a little bored, and the Mooney pilot had just landed and turned off the runway. This prompted the following exchange: "Lunken Ground, Mooney seven-two-five-one-Sierra, I wish to taxi to the terminal ramp."

"Five-one-Sierra, this is your fairy godmother. Your first wish has been granted...you now have two left!"

...Dummy!

Squawk-sheet entry: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Mechanic's reply: That's what they're there for.

Don't Ask, Just Do It!

Tower: "Two Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"

2AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"

Tower: "Well, at 4000 feet, you'll miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft. and that's bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

As They Said in "Blazing Saddles," It's Twew, It's Twew!

One of our favorite flight attendants was the one with a name badge on her blazer identifying her as, "O. Miss." Might as well go with what everyone called her!

And for My Next Trick...

It seems that our hero, Tom, was working the local air traffic control sector with a nervous FPL (Full Performance Level controller i.e.fully qualified) watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a one-mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.

"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might be just barely enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes, as long as it didn't endanger anyone, since that's the best way to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble to Tom, "If this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"

Tom keyed his transmitter. He intended to say, "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold. Be ready for immediate." (Which means, "taxi onto takeoff position on the runway and hold there, then be ready for immediate takeoff the moment you're cleared.")

What actually came out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time) was, "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold. Be ready for a miracle."

There was a pregnant pause on the frequency, and the then commuter pilot said, "Tower, I think under the circumstances, we'd better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."

Squawk This!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Mechanic's reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

...And You're Ugly, Too!

While reading a flying magazine article on Human Factors that related to a pilot's decision on whether he is personally fit to fly, the pilot reading the article read the following portion of the text aloud to everyone present in the pilot's lounge: "If you don't look well, you shouldn't fly."

A CFI (flight instructor) who happened to be there interpreted the statement differently from the way in which the magazine had intended, relating it to personal attractiveness rather than health, and said, somewhat pensively, "Well, that'll ground most of us, won't it?"

Gotcha!

Our hero had friends who lived in Aspen and a standing invitation to visit. Returning from one of his visits, he ended up on the plane with one of the stereotypical "beautiful people" from Aspen sitting next to him. You know the type…new money, $10,000 worth of clothes, and a $3000 Rolex.

No sooner do they get airborne, than the pony-tailed Aspenite starts going on at considerable length about how he retired several years ago at age 28 with ten million dollars and now just travels and enjoys life. Being just an average working guy like everyone else, our hero was getting a little tired of hearing this guy talk about all his money, but he just sat and listened politely.

When the flight attendant came around to take drink orders, Pony Tail ordered tonic and Gilbey's gin. When the flight attendant told him that they didn't stock Gilbey's, he whined and complained and finally settled for a plain tonic, which our hero also ordered. While they waited for their tonics, Pony Tail continued to grumble and pout.

As it turned out, the travel gods were smiling upon our hero this day. Being somewhat frugal, our hero just happened to have brought along two airline mini-bottles of gin, saved from a previous trip. Not only was it gin…it was Gilbey's gin!

As our hero opened and emptied both bottles of Gilbey's into his own glass of tonic, he announced to Pony Tail, "Well, you know, I retired a few years back, too, with about twenty million and I fly back and forth on this trip two or three times a month. That's how I knew they don't have Gilbey's."

And In This Corner...!

Turkish Airlines fired two pilots recently for engaging in a fist-fight in the cockpit of an Airbus 340 with 240 passengers aboard. We'd love to see the CVR (Cockpit Voice Recorder) transcript on this one!

Get Out the Grill!

DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."

Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."

Lonestar (a few moments later): "Tower, we hit something."

DFW Tower: "You did WHAT?!!"

Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. You know, some sort of road kill or something."

DFW Tower: "UPS 31 Heavy, be advised that traffic that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."

UPS 31: "That's allright, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"

Stand By to Surface!

Heard on the ground-control frequency at BNA (Nashville, Tennessee):

Comair 4210: "Hey, that altimeter setting we got on the approach shows us 15 feet underground!"

TWR: "Well then, up-periscope and taxi to the ramp!"

But I Thought You Did the Preflight!

Any good lawyer would sue the airplane owner for not properly placarding his airplane over this one. It seems two men recently decided to go for a joy ride in a Beech Baron 58 but the twin used all 7,198 feet of Runway 17L at Oklahoma City's Wiley Post Airport, then continued 600 to 800 feet through the perimeter fence.

Investigators discovered that the elevators had been removed from the aircraft for maintenance.

Up, Up, and...Oops!

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. The pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Ten thousand or so penguins turn their heads in unison, watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, according to the paper, the fun begins: "The pilots then fly directly away from the shore, out to sea, and then turn and fly straight back in and right over the top of the penguin colony. Heads go up, up, up...and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

Go To Your Room!

It's almost Oshkosh time again (the huge annual Experimental Aircraft Association airshow held each summer in Oshkosh, Wisconsin). With all the people who fly in each year for the show, there is an almost constant flow of inbound air traffic. Most people pay close attention to the controllers and traffic generally flows fairly smoothly - till the occasional eight-ball shows up...

Last year, one inbound Cessna 172 just couldn't seem to do anything right. Finally, the exasperated controller shook his finger at the offending Cessna and hollered, "Don't make me come up there!"

Now That We've Got That Straight...

Tower: "November 2115L, are you a Cessna?"

2115L: "No, sir...I am a male Hispanic."

Student pilot (who forgot to ask the control tower for surface wind conditions): "Please pass wind."

Some People Just Never Listen

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.

Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"

Just like Johnny Cash...One Piece at a Time

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Gotcha!

Still More Squawks!

Squawk-sheet entry: "Something loose in cockpit."
Mechanic's reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Squawk-sheet entry: Dead bugs on windshield.
Mechanic's reply: Live bugs on order.

"How Slow Can You Go?"

It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this…

Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this-here bird back further to 110 knots"

Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this-here C-130 is?!"

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

"Thank You for Flying..."

Flight attendants, for the most part, do a really great job of handling the cranks, nitwits, crying babies, and all the others who come their way every day...all this in addition to being responsible for a lot of other things, including the safety and well-being of their passengers. And they do all this with a smile. Although management probably doesn't appreciate their talents, many of them have missed their callings as standup comics. Witness the following as the flight attendant made her pre-takeoff PA announcements:

"In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water before we crash," she told her passengers, "you can use your complimentary snack to repel sharks."

And on another flight, shortly before landing...

"Please be sure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full upright position, and that all carry-on baggage is stowed under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. This does not include small children."

Innovation!

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write with in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about US $1 million. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

That'll Learn Ya!

The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his radio phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at about 2:00 a.m. he would stop at a small airport and check in with, "Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?"

The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "Guess who?" callups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled, "Guess who?" once too often.

The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded, "Jones Field, guess where!" The freight pilot's radio procedures were impeccable from then on.

Take That!

The famous lawyer, F. Lee Bailey, in his book, "Cleared for the Approach," tells a great story about flying his Lear Jet into Otis Air Force Base on business. As he taxied out for takeoff after concluding his business, the tower operator, who was feeling chatty, said, "I understand that Lear Jet's a pretty hot airplane."

"For a civilian airplane," Bailey replied, "it is very hot indeed."

The tower operator continued, "What we have down here are airplanes with afterburners. With the 'burner lit, we can go right by you!"

Annoyed at the affront to his Lear, Bailey answered, "I'm sure you can, but no civilian would be foolish enough to waste fuel on an afterburner. Now then, request permission for a short-field takeoff."

"Short-field takeoff approved," said the controller generously, unaware that the Lear was very light, with just one passenger and only about a thousand pounds of fuel on board for the short 18-mile hop back to Martha's Vineyard.

Bailey lined the Lear up on the runway, stood on the brakes, and wound the turbines up to more than 100 percent power, till they were nearly ready to scream out of their pods. As soon as the engines were giving all the power they had, he released the brakes and rocketed down the runway into a moderate breeze. After a ground run of only about eight hundred feet, Bailey pulled the nose up to about forty degrees above the horizon, pulled up the gear, and left the flaps down. The Lear crossed the field boundary at nine thousand feet!

The tower controller, craning his neck to keep the Lear in sight, tried not to sound impressed. "That's not half bad for a civilian airplane," he drawled. "What do you boys do for an encore?"

Trying to sound equally casual (and trying to keep from laughing), Bailey keyed the microphone and said, "Why son, we just light off the other engine!"

"The Seat Belt Light is Now On..."

A BAC One-Eleven of British Airways carrying tourists to Malaga, Spain, touched down perfectly at Southampton after a dramatic flight from East Midlands airport. Not long into the flight, over Oxfordshire at 23,000 feet, there was a sudden loud bang as the left windscreen, replaced only the day before, blew out, causing a violent rush of air from the cockpit. It sucked out every loose object - including Captain Tim Lancaster.

Just in the nick of time, the co-pilot grabbed his legs, preventing him from being sucked completely out of the aircraft. One of the stewards on board then hung onto his legs for the next 18 minutes with him half out of the aircraft, while the co-pilot brought the airliner down at Southampton. Amazingly, Lancaster escaped with only frostbite, bruises, and a broken elbow, wrist, and thumb.

And Now You Know the Rest of the Story!

We're not sure if this actually happened, since it appeared right around April Fool's Day, but we thought we'd share it anyway...

According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of their sinking ship. Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment as soon as authorities questioned the sailors on the loss of their their ship.

To a man, they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold, and had then hastily taken off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

The Airplane

An airplane's just a lot of fabric, stretched across a frame.
They dope it up and sand it down and tag it with a name.

Upon the nose they place a prop, a flimsy-looking thing;
And then a tail to help it sail...and rudder, wheel, and wing.

And when they think they've done enough, they start to wonder why
A contraption of such varied stuff could ever really fly!

~Author Unknown

More Squawk Sheets

More from the quick wits who keep 'em flying...

Squawk-sheet entry: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Mechanic's reply: "Volume set to more believable level."

The Red Baron Rides Again

The tower advised the student aerobatic pilot, who was in the middle of a lesson, to switch to a different frequency. As soon as she did, she heard, "Bangity-bangity-bang..." on the radio. She looked around just in time to see her boss from the FBO where she worked, right on her tail in a replica Fokker triplane, "gunning her brains out." Since she was in a trainer (a Great Lakes biplane) and he was in a replica fighter, what chance did she have? At least this was the excuse she was able to come up with by the time she landed.

The next week, she found him right on her tail again, exactly the same as before. Well, almost the same...except that this time was that he was flying a DC-3!

~ Contributed by one of our Fudpucker passengers whose original E-mail we accidentally deleted. Our apologies!

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

In 1972, Air France, eager not only to promote its own use of Concorde, but also to support the makers of the Anglo-French supersonic airliner, put on the most dramatic demonstration ever of the airliner's superior speed.

At 8.22 am Eastern Standard Time, an Air France Concorde took off from Boston's Logan airport and set course for Paris. The takeoff was timed to coincide with the departure from Paris's Orly airport of an Air France 747 bound for Boston.

When the two flights passed one another (with the Concorde flying at twice the 747's altitude), the Jumbo had covered only 620 miles, while the SST had already covered 2,400 miles. The Concorde landed at Paris, spent one hour and eight minutes on the ground, then headed back to Boston.

It arrived 11 minutes before the 747!

Never a Periscope Around When You Need One!

Former astronaut John Glenn tells an interesting story of air-to-air combat during the Korean War. Back in those days, American pilots flew the North American F-86 Sabre Jet, achieving a 15-to-1 kill ratio over the North Korean pilots, who flew the MiG-15. Although the MiG could out-climb and turn tighter than the F-86, the F-86 could out-dive the MiG and was, in general, more skillfully flown.

According to Col. Glenn, the MiG had a very basic flaw that American pilots quickly turned to their advantage. In a dive, the MiG’s cockpit air conditioning system often couldn’t keep up with the rapid temperature and pressure changes associated with equally rapid change in altitude in a high-speed dive. The result was that the air conditioning system momentarily filled the inside of the cockpit with fog, briefly cutting off the pilot’s ability to see outside.

In a dogfight, the American pilots would force the MiG into a dive, watch for the fog to form, then move in and shoot him down. Sometimes, they didn’t even have to pull the trigger…they just flew him into the ground, instead. If the MiG was low enough when he went into his dive and the fog formed, by the time the cloud cleared and he could see outside again, he was already a smokin’ hole in the ground.

Razorbacks

Air Force One landed at Andrews Air Force Base and taxied to the ramp. A ramp was wheeled up and President Clinton appeared, carrying a pig under each arm. As he came down the steps, the Marine at the bottom snapped a salute.

Clinton said, "You'll have to excuse me, son, I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

"Yes, sir. I see the pigs, Sir!" responded the Marine.

"Now hold on," said Clinton. "These aren't just ordinary pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks!"

"Yes, Sir! Razorbacks, Sir!" snapped the Marine.

"I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea," Clinton explained.

The Marine answered, "Yes, Sir! And an excellent trade it was, if I may say so, myself, Sir!"

Who's On First

TWA 154: "Approach, what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?!"

Approach: "What makes you think it's your altitude, Captain?"

Gotcha!

This is a WWII tale that's been told and retold since the war by veteran Allied pilots...

In an attempt to trick the Allied pilots into wasting their bombs on a target of no value, the Germans constructed a phony airfield. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, wooden oil tanks, wooden gun emplacements, wooden trucks, and, of course, wooden aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo-recon experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a single, large, wooden bomb.

(Excerpted from the book, "Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II," by Seymour Reit; Signet, 1980.)

Squawk Sheets

The no. 3 engine was running a little rough, so the pilot wrote it up on the squawk sheet: "Number three engine missing."

The mechanic's report read, "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

New Math

Eastern 304: Approach, how far behind that other traffic are we?

Approach: Three miles.

Eastern 304: That doesn't look like three miles to us.

Approach: You're a mile-and-a-half from him, he's a mile-and-a-half from you...that's three miles!

Breakfast in L.A., Lunch in New York, and Luggage in Paris

After finally getting through the line and reaching the airline ticket counter, a woman passenger promptly informed the ticket agent, "I want to go to Miami but I want my luggage to go to Cleveland."

The ticket agent replied, "I'm sorry madam, but we can't do that!"

"Why not? You did it last week!

You Get What You Pay For

Never let it be said that the Russians don't understand the principles of capitalism...

Tower: "Aeroflot 2267, vacate the runway at high-speed taxiway Delta."

Aeroflot 2267: "Aeroflot 2267, ve pay all runway, ve use all runway!"

10,000 Unemployed Comedians, and We Get...

One of PSA's 727 captains used to board the aircraft via the aft air-stairway and walk to the cockpit with a large book titled "How to Fly the Boeing 727" under his arm in full view of the passengers.

The same guy would then leave the PA hot and treat the passengers to a cockpit routine that began with, "Hey...do you remember how to start this thing?"

In Memorium

This week's story is dedicated to the crew and passengers of Comair flight 3272, which went down yesterday near Detroit, and to those they left behind. We'd like to think they'd have enjoyed this one.

The night flight from Washington, D.C. was routine until the plane landed in Indianapolis. While taxiing in from the runway, the plane suddenly came to a halt, still a considerable distance from the terminal. After sitting on the taxi-way for several minutes, still waiting for the plane to move again, many passengers began to get restless.

Old pro that he was, the captain changed tension to amusement by announcing, "Ladies and gentlemen, I flew this multi-million-dollar aircraft all the way from D.C. to Indianapolis...at night...and I found the airport on my very first try! Unfortunately, I have to wait until a guy with a couple of 99-cent flashlights shows me where to park it."

Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

Southwest Airlines is famous for its no-frills transfer-your-own-bag policy. It's also notorious for the statue of a Texas Ranger at Love Field whose drawn pistol at hip level is anything but family fare when viewed from the side. It was the sculptor's revenge when the Dallas City Council tried its own version of "no frills" with his commission fee.

Les Johnson

This one happened at a Navy training squadron in California. After landing, new ensign wrote up this complaint about an A-7 that he just finished flying, "Pilot relief tube too short." (The pilot relief tube is a device that allows a male pilot to relieve himself in flight if he's had a little too much coffee before climbing into the cockpit.)

When Maintenance investigated the squawk, they found that the relief tube was tangled around the base of the stick. After correcting the problem, they gave the pilot's chain (and probably his ego) a good yank by signing off the maintenance form like this: "Pilot relief tube found to be of sufficient length for enlisted personnel."

Deja Vu All Over Again!

In the early 60's a Japan Airlines captain was given an ATC (Air Traffic Control) clearance to hold at a certain fix before landing at Hawaii. He responded, "I am not familiar with that fix. It has been a long time since I've flown into Hawaii."

The controller queried, " How long has it been?"

After a brief pause, the reply came back, "December 7th, 1941."

If All Else Fails, Read the Directions!

It seems the FAA has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it will survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems that the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken, and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The Britsh were stunned and asked the FAA to re-check the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: use a thawed chicken!

Is that you, Juliet?

Norfolk Approach: "Cessna 46 Romeo, contact tower."

46 Romeo: No reply.

Norfolk Approach: "Cessna 46 Romeo, contact tower."

46 Romeo: Again, no reply.

Norfolk Approach: "Cessna 2346 Romeo, Norfolk Approach..."

46 Romeo: Still no reply.

Norfolk Approach: "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

I'll Get You for This!

One day at a small FBO in Florida everyone was gathered around the radio to moniter the boss's daughter, who was taking her very nervous boyfriend for a ride. When they were still a couple of miles out, on final approach, one of the group grabbed the mike and said, "Navion 4421 Kilo, be advised that I cannot see your gear down at this time..." and then sat back to watch the fun. He may have been deceptive, but he wasn't lying; at that distance, he could truthfully say that he couldn't see the landing gear.

The tower was no help, either. After receiving an appropriate supply of doughnuts as a bribe, they were more than happy to go along with the gag. After entertaining everyone with about five low approaches trying to get someone to verify that her gear was down, she finally figured out that she'd been had and landed safely...but she never did find out who was responsible.

...And You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day!

The pilot of a helicopter that crashed last week in the mountains of southwest Colombia is still missing...again.

He was found and rescued shortly after the crash, but then he promptly managed to fall out of the army helicopter that rescued him! Some days, it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps...

Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation!

Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...

San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport."

Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.

Gotcha!

As the cute brunette flight attendant was going down the aisle passing out magazines, a smart-alec male passenger asked with a smirk, "Do you have Playboy or Penthouse?" She politely promised to check for him and came back a few minutes later with a magazine in hand.

Leaning down, she said, "Here you are, sir. I think you'll really enjoy the beaver shot in the centerfold,"...and handed him a copy of Outdoor Life.

If All Else Fails, Read the Directions!

Some of today's more modern, more sophisticated aircraft are equipped with automatic landing systems. Following a maintenance test flight on a large jet, the pilot-in-command wrote in the aircraft log, "Aircraft satisfactory, except auto-land very rough."

The mechanic's sign-off on the squawk was, "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

So True!

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and about flying when he's with a woman.

What Is That Thang?

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...

KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well......I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."

Blind Man's Bluff

The first announcement started with the familiar, "Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a slight delay. If you would like to stretch your legs in the passenger lounge..." You know the routine.

Well, as it happened, Ray Charles was on the aircraft and the Captain asked him if he would like to stretch his legs. He replied "No, thank you, but I would appreciate it if you could take my dog for a short walk." The Captain cheerfully obliged, but they say it took three hours to get the passengers back on the plane after seeing the Captain walk through the passenger lounge with sunglasses and a seeing-eye dog.

Plunk Your Magic Twanger, Froggie!

It was an all-nighter from L.A. to New York, all the passengers were tucked in, and things were pretty boring. Since there was nothing to do, one of the male flight attendants, who also moonlighted as a hairdresser, was sitting in the galley service area with another flight attendant, braiding her hair for her. A female passenger who looked something like, "Who did that and ran?" came in and asked, "Oh, could you do me next, just like her?"

The male flight attendant looked down at his comb, then looked up at the woman and said, "Lady, this is a comb, not a wand!"

Caution, 900-Pound Gorilla at Work!

After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain. I'm sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and pulls the handles off is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it by hand!"

Mama Didn't Raise No Fools!

Unknown Aircraft (somewhat cleaned up for the faint-of-heart): "I'm f--king bored!"

Air Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f--king bored, not f--king stupid!"

Mmmm, Mmmm, Good!

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure...by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7...did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff...and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

Big Ego, Small Brain

A young hot-shot, whose ego was bigger than his brain, was flying escort for a B-52 in a twin-engine F-15 fighter, swooping and rolling around the lumbering old bomber and just being a general horse's you-know-what. After several minutes of these antics, the big-mouth said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Unruffled, the veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this, hotshot." The B-52 just continued flying right along, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So, what did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Try that in an F-15!

Bad Hair Day?

The La Guardia-based aircraft mechanic was having a bad day. He'd been working too many double shifts. As he drove his tug full-speed through the quarter-open hanger doors, he forgot one small thing: to unhook the 727 he was towing.

The Golfer

As he made his approach to O'Hare, the smart-alec DC-10 captain decided to have a little fun with the controller: "I can see the country club down below...looks like a lot of controllers out there!"

The controller didn't miss a beat as he came back with a zinger of his own: "Yes, sir, there are...
and they're all caddying for DC-10 drivers like you!"

Not Guilty!

You'll have to excuse our French on this one, but if you try to dress it up, it somehow loses something in the translation...

It was a miserable night. Flights were stacked up to what would have been normal cruising altitudes and the pilots were hounding air traffic controllers for descent, approach, and landing clearances. One harassed controller, on a frequency that was heard by a majority of the impatient crews, finally snapped at one crew requesting a lower altitude, "American 812, NEGATIVE! I'll get you guys down as soon as I can. We're doing the best we can!"

Back came the voice of an unidentified pilot: "Bullsh*t!"

Such language is naturally forbidden on the radio and, under the existing conditions, was strongly resented by the controller. "Attention all flights!" she barked. "Who said that?!"

There was a dramatic pause while the pilots pondered the horrible crime. Then came the first reply from one crew who had been listening: "United 452, negative on the bullsh*t." One by one, all the other flights joined in on the denial...

"American 355, negative on the bullsh*t."

"TWA 27, negative on the bullsh*t."

"Braniff 309, negative on the bullsh*t."

"Continental 611, negative on the bullsh*t."

"Delta 419, negative on the bullsh*t."

"Eastern 983, negative on the bullsh*t."

The replies continued for several more minutes from every other flight on that frequency and undoubtedly included an earnest "not-guilty" from the offending crew. By the end of the first several replies, the controller (and everyone else within earshot) had gotten a severe case of the giggles and had to take a break for a few minutes so she could stop laughing.

Duh!

Voices all tend to sound so much alike through headphones and intercoms that you sometimes can't tell if what you're hearing is coming from your own aircraft or someone else's, as the following conversation shows all too well. In this case, a helicopter was in a holding pattern at an altitude of 3000 feet over the Cubla beacon, which is an electronic navigation aid.

Helicopter pilot to Approach Control: "Affirmative, I'm holding at 3000 over Cubla beacon."

Second voice, also on the same frequency: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that same beacon and at the same altitude, too!"

Brief pause, then the first pilot's voice again (loudly): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot!!"

And Your Other Choice Is...

A flight attendant had had enough of a male passenger who insisted on stowing his briefcase in the overhead rack, rather than under his seat, as required by regulations. Finally out of patience, she told him, "Sir, there are only two places where I'll let you put that briefcase and one of them is under the seat!"

How About Rearview Mirrors?

The Boeing 727 was getting ready to depart the terminal and there were several passengers still in the aisles putting luggage in overhead racks, chasing children, and generally just milling around. The flight attendant's first announcement for everyone to please be seated went ignored, so her next announcement was, "Would everyone please be seated so the Captain can see to back up?!"

Everyone promptly sat down.

You Gotta Be Kiddin'!

On one occasion, a DC-10 crew nearly caused the ramp agent to faint as they taxied up to the gate after landing. The entire cockpit crew - the pilot, the copilot, and the flight engineer - were all wearing three-foot-long dreadlock wigs.

You had to see it to believe it!

From the "People Who Don't Have a Clue" Department . . .

In LA, a single engine plane went down short of Burbank airport. Both people on board survived. The pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage and told rescuers he was trying to make Burbank airport, but ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock.

Commenting on the lack of fire, the Fire Marshal in charge of the rescue said, "They're just lucky there was no fuel on board!"

No, That's Not What I Said!

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight!"

Fuzz

A female controller happened to be working ground control one day. As luck would have it, she was experiencing trouble with her radio. Realizing the problem, she began her next transmission with, "American 241, is my transmission fuzzy?"

There was a slight pause as the captain thought it over...and then replied, "I don't know, honey, how old are you?"

Oops!

The cabin crew was made up entirely of new flight attendants and the flight attendant in charge had been flying for only a month. After experiencing severe turbulence, the captain found a hole in the clouds and decided to make a steeper-than-normal descent. He informed the cabin crew of his intentions right after they had just finished passing out another round of drinks, snacks, and peanuts.

Totally flustered by the captain's request to immediately inform the passengers of the upcoming descent, the flight attendant in charge picked up the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, hold onto your drinks and nuts, we'll be going down fast."

Future Flight

The flight crew of the future will consist of only a pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog. The dog is there to bite the pilot if he touches anything.

Where to Go, What to See, and...Who Are Those Guys?!!

Take Me Home!